What Did He Say.....An elderly couple were driving across the country.The woman was driving when shewas pulled over by the highway patrol.The officer said "Ma'am did you knowyou were speeding?"The woman,hard of hearing,turned to her husband andasked,"What did he say?" The old man yelled,"He says you werespeeding!" The patrolman said "May I see your license?"Thewomanturned to her husband once again and asked "What did he say?"The oldman yelled, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave theofficer her license,The patrolman then said, "I see you are fromArkansas.I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliestwoman I've seen."The woman turned to her husband and asked,"What didhe say.? The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!".
Carrie Underwood Fans
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Pappy's jokes.....Pappy has left his Temporary Home
- Thread starter pappy75
- Start date
Travel to Heaven
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
| This story was written by a doctor who worked in Africa. One night I had worked hard to help a mother in the labor ward; but in spite of all we could do she died leaving us with a tiny premature baby and a crying two-year-old daughter. We would have difficulty keeping the baby alive, as we had no incubator. (We had no electricity to run an incubator.) We also had no special feeding facilities. Although we lived on the equator, nights were often chilly with treacherous drafts. One student midwife went for the box we had for such babies and the cotton wool the baby would be wrapped in. Another went to stoke up the fire and fill a hot water bottle. She came back shortly in distress to tell me that in filling the bottle, it had burst. Rubber perishes easily in tropical climates. "And it is our last hot water bottle!" she exclaimed. As in the West it is no good crying over spilled milk, so in Central Africa it might be considered no good crying over burst water bottles. They do not grow on trees, and there are no drugstores down forest pathways. "All right," I said, "put the baby as near the fire as you safely can, and sleep between the baby and the door to keep it free from drafts. "Your job is to keep the baby warm." The following noon, as I did most days, I went to have prayers with any of the orphanage children who chose to gather with me. I gave the youngsters various suggestions of things to pray about and told them about the tiny baby. I explained our problem about keeping the baby warm enough, mentioning the hot water bottle. The baby could so easily die if it got chills. I also told them of the two-year-old sister, crying because her mother had died. During the prayer time, one ten-year-old girl, Ruth, prayed with the usual blunt conciseness of our African children. "Please, God," she prayed, "send us a water bottle. It'll be no good tomorrow, God, as the baby will be dead, so please send it this afternoon." While I gasped inwardly at the audacity of the prayer, she continued by adding, "And while You are at it, would You please send a dolly for the little girl, so she'll know that You really love her?" As often with children's prayers, I was put on the spot. Could I honestly say, "Amen?" ! I just did not believe that God could do this. Oh, yes, I know that He can do everything. The Bible says so. But there are limits, aren't there? The only way God could answer would be for a package to arrive from the homeland. I had been in Africa for almost four years at that time, and I had never, ever received a parcel from home. Anyway, if anyone did send me a parcel, who would put in a hot water bottle? I lived near the equator! Halfway through the afternoon, while I was teaching in the nurses' training school, a message was sent that there was a car at my front door. By the time I reached home, the car had gone, but there, on the verandah, was a large twenty-two pound parcel. I felt tears pricking my eyes. I could not open the parcel alone, so I sent for the orphanage children. Together we pulled off the string, carefully undoing each knot. We folded the paper, taking care not to tear it unduly. Excitement was mounting. Some thirty or forty pairs of eyes were focused on the large cardboard box. From the top, I lifted out brightly colored, knitted jerseys. Eyes sparkled as I gave them out. Then there were the knitted bandages for the leprosy patients, and the children looked a little bored. Then came a box of mixed raisins and sultanas-that would make a batch of buns for the weekend. Then, as I put my hand in again, I felt the.....could it really be? I grasped it and pulled it out -- yes, a brand-new, rubber hot water bottle, I cried. I had not asked God to send it; I had not truly believed that He could. Ruth was in the front row of, the children. She rushed forward, crying out, "If God has sent the bottle, He must have sent the dolly, too!" Rummaging down to the bottom of the box, she pulled out the small, beautifully dressed dolly. Her eyes shone! She had never doubted. Looking up at me, she asked: "Can I go over with you, Mummy, and give this dolly to that little girl, so she'll know that Jesus really loves her?" That parcel had been on the way for five whole months. Packed up by my former Sunday school class, whose leader had heard and obeyed God's prompting to send a hot water bottle, even to the equator. And one of the girls had put in a dolly for an African child-five months before -- in answer to the believing prayer of a ten-year-old to bring it "that afternoon." "Eph 6:18 Keep On Praying" |
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester
he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually
have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls
home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had
such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his
father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol'
Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we
left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner,
reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that
little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. As a Congressman...
he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually
have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls
home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had
such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his
father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol'
Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we
left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner,
reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that
little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. As a Congressman...
robinannhunt
New member
Thanks. I have a sister who is a lawyer in DC, lol.
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester
he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually
have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls
home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had
such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his
father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol'
Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we
left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner,
reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that
little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. As a Congressman...
he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually
have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls
home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had
such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his
father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol'
Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we
left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner,
reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that
little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. As a Congressman...
robinannhunt
New member
This is funny. I have a sister in DC that is a lawyer.....
Medical Differences
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing
their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the
easiest to operate on. You open them up, and everything
inside is numbered."
The second one said, "I think librarians are the easiest to
operate on. You open them up, and everything inside is in
alphabetical order."
The third one said, "I like to operate on electricians. You
open them up, and everything inside is color coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are
heartless, spineless, and gutless, and their head and tail
are interchangeable."
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing
their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the
easiest to operate on. You open them up, and everything
inside is numbered."
The second one said, "I think librarians are the easiest to
operate on. You open them up, and everything inside is in
alphabetical order."
The third one said, "I like to operate on electricians. You
open them up, and everything inside is color coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are
heartless, spineless, and gutless, and their head and tail
are interchangeable."
robinannhunt
New member
Whoa that was .......
I bought a bird feeder. I hung It on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it was, as I filled it, lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food. But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue. Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table... Everywhere! Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket. And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food. After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio. Soon, the back yard was like it used to be...quiet, serene... and no one demanding their rights to a free meal. Now let's see... Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education, and allows anyone born here to be an automatic Citizen. Then the illegal's came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly, our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child's second grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English. Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than 'Old Glory' are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties. Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder. If you agree, pass it on; if not, just continue cleaning up the poop. |
I bought a bird feeder. I hung It on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it was, as I filled it, lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food. But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue. Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table... Everywhere! Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket. And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food. After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio. Soon, the back yard was like it used to be...quiet, serene... and no one demanding their rights to a free meal. Now let's see... Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education, and allows anyone born here to be an automatic Citizen. Then the illegal's came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly, our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child's second grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English. Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than 'Old Glory' are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties. Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder. If you agree, pass it on; if not, just continue cleaning up the poop. |
robinannhunt
New member
Exactly
Blood Circulation...A teacher was giving a lesson on thecirculation of the blood.Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Nowboys, if I stood on my head the blood as you know, would run into it, and Ishould turn red in the face. "Yessir", the boys said."Then why is it that while I am standing uprightin the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet"? A littlefellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty"
Not another Genie Joke!.One day a man spotted a lamp by7 theroadside.He picked it up ,rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared."I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said. The man thoughtfor a moment,then said 'I want a spectacular job--- a job that no man has eversucceeded at or has ever attempted to do." 'Poof " said the genie ."You're a housewife"
I'm passing this on because it worked for me last night..
A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives we should always finish things that we start. Since we all
could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things
I'd started & hadn't finished.
I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a
butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu
has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.
Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.
A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives we should always finish things that we start. Since we all
could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things
I'd started & hadn't finished.
I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a
butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu
has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.
Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.
As you got up this morning, I watched you, and hoped you would talk to me, even if it was just a few words, asking my opinion or thanking me for something good that happened in your life yesterday.
But I noticed you were too busy, trying to find the right outfit to wear. When you ran around the house getting ready, I knew there would be a few minutes for you to stop and say hello, but you were to busy.
At one point you had to wait, fifteen minutes with nothing to do except sit in a chair. Then I saw you spring to your feet. I thought you wanted to talk to me but you ran to the phone and called a friend to get the latest gossip instead.
I watched patiently all day long. With all your activities I guess you were too busy to say anything to me.
I noticed that before lunch you looked around, maybe you felt embarrassed to talk to me, that is why you didn't bow your head. You glanced three or four tables over and you noticed some of your friends talking to me briefly before they ate, but you didn't.
That's okay. There is still more time left, and I hope that you will talk to me yet. You went home and it seems as if you had lots of things to do.
After a few of them were done, you turned on the TV. I don't know if you like TV or not, just about anything goes there and you spend a lot of time each day in front of it not thinking about anything, just enjoying the show. I waited patiently again as you watched the TV and ate your meal, but again you didn't talk to me.
Bedtime I guess you felt too tired. After you said goodnight to your family you plopped into bed and fell asleep in no time. That's okay because you may not realize that I am always there for you. I've got patience, more than you will ever know. I even want to teach you how to be patient with others as well. I love you so much that I wait everyday for a nod, prayer or thought or a thankful part of your heart. It is hard to have a one-sided conversation.
Well, you are getting up once again. And once again I will wait, with nothing but love for you.
Hoping that today you will give me some time.
Have a nice day!
Your friend,
GOD
But I noticed you were too busy, trying to find the right outfit to wear. When you ran around the house getting ready, I knew there would be a few minutes for you to stop and say hello, but you were to busy.
At one point you had to wait, fifteen minutes with nothing to do except sit in a chair. Then I saw you spring to your feet. I thought you wanted to talk to me but you ran to the phone and called a friend to get the latest gossip instead.
I watched patiently all day long. With all your activities I guess you were too busy to say anything to me.
I noticed that before lunch you looked around, maybe you felt embarrassed to talk to me, that is why you didn't bow your head. You glanced three or four tables over and you noticed some of your friends talking to me briefly before they ate, but you didn't.
That's okay. There is still more time left, and I hope that you will talk to me yet. You went home and it seems as if you had lots of things to do.
After a few of them were done, you turned on the TV. I don't know if you like TV or not, just about anything goes there and you spend a lot of time each day in front of it not thinking about anything, just enjoying the show. I waited patiently again as you watched the TV and ate your meal, but again you didn't talk to me.
Bedtime I guess you felt too tired. After you said goodnight to your family you plopped into bed and fell asleep in no time. That's okay because you may not realize that I am always there for you. I've got patience, more than you will ever know. I even want to teach you how to be patient with others as well. I love you so much that I wait everyday for a nod, prayer or thought or a thankful part of your heart. It is hard to have a one-sided conversation.
Well, you are getting up once again. And once again I will wait, with nothing but love for you.
Hoping that today you will give me some time.
Have a nice day!
Your friend,
GOD
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.He went to the Doctor and the Doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the Doctor and the Doctor said "Your hearing is perfect.Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again"The gentleman replied "Oh I haven't told my family yet.I just sit around and listen to the conversations.I've changed my will three times already!"
robinannhunt
New member
I like this one. So true.
Kids Logic TEACHER:H ow old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT:Seven
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine
TEACHER: That's impossible!
STUDENT:No it isn't,Teacher.I'm 8 today
TEACHER:George go the map and fin North America
GEORGE: Here it is
TEACHER: Correct.Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: GEORGE!!
TEACHER:Willy,name one thig we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: ME!
STUDENT:Seven
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine
TEACHER: That's impossible!
STUDENT:No it isn't,Teacher.I'm 8 today
TEACHER:George go the map and fin North America
GEORGE: Here it is
TEACHER: Correct.Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: GEORGE!!
TEACHER:Willy,name one thig we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: ME!
A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.
The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.
The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance.
"That's fine," he said; "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."
"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked.
The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."
Forward this joke to your friends >>
The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.
The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance.
"That's fine," he said; "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."
"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked.
The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."
Forward this joke to your friends >>