Pappy's jokes.....Pappy has left his Temporary Home

[pappy75]

Supporting a Family
Jake had proposed to young Gina and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.
"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.
"Yes, sir," replied Jake, "I'm sure I am."
"Think carefully now," said Gina's father.
"There are twelve of us..."

 

[pappy75]

A Texas rancher was driving through Mexico and stopped at the edge of the road to admire the scenery and a white beautiful horse caught his eye. The horse looked healthy well kept and was in a separate corral. Just for tries the Texan asked one of the workers if the horse was for sale. The worker trying to communicate said “No, no, he no look to good.” The Texan was not satisfied with the answered because he saw that the animal looked great and insisted on buying it, after a few arguments the worker arranged for the sale and the Texan took the horse back to his ranch. He rode the horse through his ranch and galloped to the barn when suddenly the horse ran right into the barn wall. Frustrated the Texan takes the horse back to Mexico and talks to the worker that sold him the horse and explains what happened. The worker said, “I told you he no look to good”

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[pappy75]

Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground.


The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter.


The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch. "How did you do that?" asks one of his friends.


"My watch is 30 minutes slow."








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[robinannhunt]

That is a middle school joke...

 

[pappy75]

HOW ASPARAGUS GOT ITS NAME

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Here is what he wrote;




The Children's Bible in a Nutshell




In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,"The Lord thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that.



Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did.



Then God made the world.



He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.



Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden ... Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.



Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.



One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.



After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.



Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.



God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.



Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.



One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.



After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.



After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.



There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.



After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, ''As a matter of fact, I was.'')



During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums.The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.



Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.



Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.




(Nothing bad will happen if you don't forward this, but if you do forward this delightful story you'll make someone LAUGH today, and they'll keep spreading the laughter by sending it on!!)












​

 

[pappy75]

Subject:: T-bone Steaks, Yellow Roses and Friendship .Yellow roses are also my favourite……………

WARNING : this one might require tissues
READ THIS!!!! and then reread it. Especially the last part...

I walked into the grocery store not particularly interested in buying groceries. I wasn't hungry.. The pain of losing my husband of 57 years was still too raw. And this grocery store held so many sweet memories..
He often came with me and almost every time he'd pretend to go off and look for something special. I knew what he was up to. I'd always spot him walking down the aisle with the three yellow roses in his hands.
He knew I loved yellow roses. With a heart filled with grief, I only wanted to buy my few items and leave, but even grocery shopping was different since he had passed on.
Shopping for one took time, a little more thought than it had for two..
Standing by the meat, I searched for the perfect small steak and remembered how he had loved his steak.
Suddenly a woman came beside me. She was blonde, slim and lovely in a soft green pantsuit. I watched as she picked up a large package of T-bones, dropped them in her basket... hesitated, and then put them back. She turned to go and once again reached for the pack of steaks.
She saw me watching her and she smiled. 'My husband loves T-bones, but honestly, at these prices, I don't know.'
I swallowed the emotion down my throat and met her pale blue eyes.
'My husband passed away eight days ago,' I told her. Glancing at the package in her hands, I fought to control the tremble in my voice. 'Buy him the steaks. And cherish every moment you have together.'
She shook her head and I saw the emotion in her eyes as she placed the package in her basket and wheeled away
I turned and pushed my cart across the length of the store to the dairy products. There I stood, trying to decide which size milk I should buy. A Quart, I finally decided and moved on to the ice cream. If nothing else, I could always fix myself an ice cream cone.
I placed the ice cream in my cart and looked down the aisle toward the front. I saw first the green suit, then recognized the pretty lady coming towards me. In her arms she carried a package. On her face was the brightest smile I had ever seen! I would swear a soft halo encircled her blonde hair as she kept walking toward me, her eyes holding mine.
As she came closer, I saw what she held and tears began misting in my eyes.. 'These are for you,' she said and placed three beautiful long stemmed yellow roses in my arms. 'When you go through the line, they will know these are paid for.' She leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on my cheek, then smiled again. I wanted to tell her what she'd done, what the roses meant, but still unable to speak, I watched as she walked away as tears clouded my vision
I looked down at the beautiful roses nestled in the green tissue wrapping and found it almost unreal. How did she know? Suddenly the answer seemed so clear. I wasn't alone.
Oh, you haven't forgotten me, have you? I whispered, with tears in my eyes.. He was still with me, and she was his angel.
Every day be thankful for what you have and who you are.
(Please read all of this, it is really nice)
This is a simple request. If you appreciate life, send this to your friends, including the person that sent it to you.
Even though I clutch my blanket and growl when the alarm rings. Thank you, Lord, that I can hear. There are many who are deaf.
Even though I keep my eyes closed against the morning light as long as possible. Thank you, Lord , that I can see. Many are blind.
Even though I huddle in my bed and put off rising. Thank you, Lord, that I have the strength to rise. There are many who are bedridden.
Even though the first hour of my day is hectic, when socks are lost, toast is burned, tempers are short, and my children are so loud.
Thank you, Lord, for my family.. There are many who are lonely.
Even though our breakfast table never looks like the picture in magazines and the menu is at times unbalanced..
Thank you, Lord, for the food we have. There are many who are hungry.
Even though the routine of my job often is monotonous. Thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to work. There are many who have no job.
Even though I grumble and bemoan my fate from day to day and wish my circumstances were not so modest.
Thank you, Lord, for life.
Pass this on to the friends you know. It might help a bit to make this world a better place to live, right? A friend is someone we turn to when our spirits need a lift. A friend is someone to treasure.
For friendship is a gift. A friend is someone who fills our lives with Beauty, Joy and Grace and makes the world we live in a better and happier place!
YOU ARE MY FRIEND!

God bless you and yours.





























































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--
Regards,
Cherry


--
Regards,
Cherry


--

 

[pappy75]

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:

"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

"They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.

They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."

 

[pappy75]

There was a nice lady, a minister's widow, who was a little old fashioned. She was planning a week's vacation in California at Skylake Yosemite campground (Bass Lake, to the uninitiated), but she wanted to make sure of the accommodations first. Uppermost in her mind were bathroom facilities, but she couldn't bring herself to write "toilet" in a letter. After considerable deliberation, she settled on "bathroom commode," but when she wrote that down, it still sounded too forward, so, after the first page of her letter, she referred to the bathroom commode as "BC." "Does the cabin where I will be staying have its own 'BC'? If not, where is the 'BC' located?" is what she actually wrote.

The campground owner took the first page of the letter and the lady's check and gave it to his secretary. He put the remainder of the letter on the desk of the senior member of his staff without noticing that the staffer would have no way of knowing what "BC" meant. Then the owner went off to town to run some errands.

The staff member came in after lunch, found the letter, and was baffled by the euphemism, so he showed the letter around to several counselors, but they couldn't decipher it either. The staff member's wife, who knew that the lady was the widow of a famous Baptist preacher, was sure that it must be a question about the local Baptist Church. "Of course," the first staffer exclaimed, "'BC' stands for 'Baptist Church.' " And he sat down and wrote:

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure in informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the 'BC.'

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly community."
　
　

 

[pappy75]

[FONT=arial,helvetica] That's Once [/FONT]

couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well," explained the husband, "it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."

"We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead."

"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.'"

 

[pappy75]

IF WOMEN ONLY TRUSTED THEIR HUSBANDS and Boyfriends!
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
For example...
A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under theblanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?

 

[pappy75]

Meeting of the Board
There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service," announced the pastor.
After the close of the service, the Church Board gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting.
But there was a stranger in their midst -- a visitor who had never attended their church before.

"My friend," said the pastor, "Didn't you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?"

"Yes," said the visitor, "and after today's sermon, I suppose I'm just about as bored as anyone else who
came to this meeting."

 

[liz278]

Hey, I have been missing your posts Pappy!

 

[pappysgrandson]

Hello all,

It is with a heavy heart that I announce my grand-father, Leonce Deneumoustier's, passing. He was an incredibly altruistic, giving person. He often spoke of this community as a saving grace, as he lost most of his mobility a few years ago, and making people laugh (through a computer or in person), was one of his passions.

I just wanted to let all of you know how much all of your comments meant to him. He often spoke of how his computer was his gateway to the world, and how spreading a few laughs as Pappy75 gave his later-life meaning, as long as it made a someone's day just a little bit brighter.

He tried his very best to post his jokes over the last couple of weeks, but he was unfortunately stuck in a hospital. He passed suddenly and without pain, and I know that he would want you all to know that he isn't abandoning the community, and that, God willing, he'll tell you a couple of jokes in Heaven someday.

Thank you all for keeping my grand-father company,

Pappy75's grand-son

 

[cassie2]

Please accept my heartfelt condolences. I will keep your entire family in my prayers. Pappy was such a joy and I so looked forward to each and every one of his post.
He will be dearly missed.
May all of your treasured memories of your grandfather live in your heart always.
Thank you so much for taking the time to let us know of Pappy75's passing. God Bless you.

 

[cassie2]

Bumping this thread for all of Pappy's friends to see.

 

[Carrieflattsfan]

This board will not be the same without Pappy. A true source of light and joy here.

May he rest in peace.

 

[thunder92]

My thought and prayers are with you and your family. His jokes were a highlight of this board.

 

[AdamJ]

I will surely miss pappy. When I was first starting in Med school he was great at encouraging me and giving me inspiration. I have not posted much in the last 2 years but I tried to read his posts and comment and thank him. Rest in peace pappy---we will miss you---until we meet again... Prayers to his family.

 

[nannygirl]

My condolences to Pappy's family. He was truly a blessing to this site. I don't think he ever had a bad word to say about or to anyone. His light will be missed.

 

[Suellen]

Been reading Pappy's jokes for years and really going to miss him. I always looked forward to reading his joke of the day and his spiritual messages on Sunday. My prayers are with his family now. Rest in peace Pappy.